Queen of All the Internet Dating

A few readers have asked me about my friend Kira, The Queen of All the Internet Dating. How’s she doing? Is she still dating? Did she end up with the Captain of the Football Team?

No, she did not. The Captain, it turned out, had issues.

I’m happy to report, though, that after another round on Plenty of Fish, Kira has found a good man. She’s in Hawaii with him right now, as a matter of fact. Poor thing. Hawaii, instead of Victoria in a January deluge.

I am really happy for Kira, but I have to admit that I miss her dating stories. By comparison, my experiences seem pretty tame. I guess there was Lawrence of the Five White Evils. But Kira could pull off that kind of date once a week. She had a knack for finding crazy characters like the Horny Baptist and the cat-breeding, recovering crack addict.  The closest I came was the guy who drove around with a blow-up cat.

And the selfies Kira would receive! Men she’d never even met would send her thoughtfully composed portraits of their penises. Regularly. In all my time dating, I didn’t get a single penis selfie. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I did receive one, but it was charming. A man I knew visited Florence and while there, sent me an email titled “Naked Selfie.” He’d attached a photo of Michelangelo’s David.

These days, Kira and I have other things to discuss. For example, what to do with gifts from ex-boyfriends. Some things are easy to part with. But the expensive watch? The bracelet from Tiffany’s? These are a little more problematic. On the one hand, we don’t want these reminders of the men from our pasts. But on the other hand — Tiffany’s. I know. The best plan we’ve come up with so far is to trade bling. It’s a workable solution.

But I’m not sure about some of the other things she’s looking to unload. All I can say is that if you’re in the market for a pair of leopard-print restraints, call me.